Introducing Alianna Love…

Our miracle “Little Bean” arrived Tuesday, July 12, 2016 at 4:17am, weighing in at 4lbs 10oz, 18.9 inches long and perfection from head to toe! This doesn’t seem real…how is she: here, unharmed, healthy, adorable, ours?! Allan and I keep reminding each other that we actually get to keep her! This journey through infertility, medical scares, ICP and leukemia has definitely had its fair share of extreme highs and lows (and more to come) but how does it possibly get any better than this?

I’ve had many moments of bawling in disbelief that we made it to this point. As we were leaving the mommy/baby unit on the 8th floor of the hospital to head home, we got to the elevators and I burst into tears…that’s the same floor that I spent April and May in the oncology unit wondering if I’d ever make it to the other side to mommy/baby, let alone get to take a healthy baby home with us… the odds were stacked against us. Plain and simple: this is just an absolute miracle. The same God that rose Lazarus from the dead and healed the sick and lame, rescued my baby girl.

I go back on August 8th for more blood work- this will determine when and how long my next chemo treatments will be. My last blood work in June, showed that I am in remission- PRAISE JESUS!! Part of protocol is that I would still have to do maintenance rounds to ensure the cancer is completely annihilated. I noticed myself getting anxious as I thought about the upcoming treatments I will be going through and as crazy (and, admittedly, messed up) as it sounds: I realized that I am scared to go through treatments without her. Of course I am so relieved she’s safe outside and doesn’t have to be exposed to the treatments but it’s like she made me extra brave; her presence gave me the focus and fight I needed to persevere. It was as if she gave me super powers… and now I have to shift my focus on fighting so I get to see her grow old.

I am happy to report: Daddy is a natural and completely wrapped around her little pinky! And he is well on his way to conquering his fear of poopy diapers and mastering the art of the swaddle! Alianna is doing amazing! Everyone that meets her is amazed by the physical strength of her little body (we joke that it’s all the steroids I had while in ICU). She will be following up with the  cardiologist for a few years to come just as a preventative. This little girl has changed my world.

Thank you all for your support and prayers. Please know that each of you carries a piece of our story with you. Your encouragement and pleas on our behalf have gotten us to  where we are today. I ask that you pray for my continued strength and resilience- I am determined to beat this thing once and for all!

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. -Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)

The Birth Story…

I went in on July 10th at 37 weeks to be induced as is standard care for Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy to avoid the risk of complications later in pregnancy. I had my birth preferences in hand and was equipped with all my HypnoBirthing materials ready to take on labor au natural (besides the fact I had to artificially trick my body into labor)… They started cervadil around 9:30pm and almost immediately I started having contractions every 1-2 minutes this lasted 12 hours and by the end my cervix was soft but I wasn’t dilated at all. So we chose another 12 hour round of cervadil which made my contractions every 30 seconds-2 minutes. Not having slept in over 24 hours, my body was exhausted and I still had the home stretch in front of me. I was focused on my goal of healthy mom, healthy baby which meant avoid c-section at all costs (due to my health risks). Little did I understand that induction can be a real game changer in terms of my birth preferences and pain tolerance. After all, I had warmed up with two unmedicated bone marrow biopsies using my HypnoBirthing techniques successfully. But after 21 hours of no pain meds, I knew it was time for something since my body still wasn’t dilating enough and I was physically exhausted. That’s when the epidural came in and saved the day (not on my birth preferences)! lol A few hours later I was dilated to 7.5cm but stalled so they gave a little pitocin and ruptured my membranes at 3am on July 12th. By 3:50am my body was already pushing and her head was visible. I was trying to breathe through some contractions to give our moms more time to arrive at the hospital but this little bean was determined to make her debut at 4:17am! My mom and sister arrived minutes before delivery and my mother-in-law arrived just a few short minutes after. Alianna had the cord wrapped around her neck and it wasn’t long enough for the doctor to unwind it so he had to cut the cord (there went the delayed cord clamping from my birth preferences). Then she didn’t let out a loud cry at first so the nurse had to use the bulb syringe in her nose and mouth and rub her body using a blanket thus removing some of the amazing vernix (both against my birth preferences). Moral of my life story: nothing ever goes as planned but it always goes as it should! And mission accomplished: healthy mom, healthy baby!

Best feeling ever!

Love at first sight- Alianna & Daddy

So yummy!

We get to take her home with us!

All day snuggles

Last time we were on the patio together was two days before I was diagnosed with Leukemia. So grateful I get to be out here with her on the other side!

Slice of Heaven in my arms… thank you Lord. You are perfect in all of your ways.

When I found out we were having a girl I dreamt about a romantic/flowery/forestry maternity shoot. Then, Leukemia struck and I lost all my hair. I wasn’t sure it would be possible to match the beauty in my dream without any hair. And then, I saw this photo…it completely exceeds that dream! This photo captures the true beauty of unconditional love, sacrifice, and the anticipation and expectation of miracles fulfilled …and that outshines any bald head! Photo courtesy of UDS Photo

https://www.facebook.com/gigi.herrera.79/videos/1199785243379253/

A HUGE THANK YOU to @migzsosa and the 8am @crossfitsiege crew for making this girl’s dream come true!! To @gloriapelo for your artistry and generosity- you are amazing! And to @gigiudsphoto , Olivia, and @marthaudsphoto of @udsphoto: you captured what I thought to be impossible. Thank you for your time, generosity, and bringing my dream to life. You have all blessed us so much- our hearts are overflowing! 

Our amazing CrossFit family made a WOD in honor of Alianna and before each class they said a prayer for our little champ:

We love and appreciate each of you!

Love, Our Family of 3

Our Baby’s Life Has Been Saved

Goodness, I’m not sure where to begin… the past 48 hours have been an emotional blur.

To be brief: Wednesday I was diagnosed with a rare liver disorder called Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy (ICP).

Risks when ICP is left untreated:

• Pre-term labor/delivery
• Fetal Distress
• Meconium Passage
• Respiratory distress syndrome (RDS)
• Failure to establish breathing (sometimes called fetal asphyxia)
• Maternal hemorrhage
• Stillbirth (Intrauterine Fetal Demise/IUFD)

Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy (ICP) is a liver disorder of pregnancy in which bile flow is impaired within the liver itself. This leads to elevated bile acids in the blood, and frequently elevated liver functions as well. Elevated bile acids have been shown to pose a risk to the unborn baby. ICP can occur at any point in pregnancy. It most often occurs in the third trimester, but has been seen as early as six weeks pregnant. -ICPcare.org

The Back Story: I started following an adorable pregnant yoga teacher back in 2014 on Instagram (@ameliakyoga)- I was fascinated by her full belly in all these awesome yoga poses and aspired to be flexible like her when I would be pregnant one day. But to my shock this active yogi gave birth July 2014 and her son, Landon, only lived 4 days on this earth- totally unexplainable, an absolute devastating mystery. Fast forward, to 2015, she found out she was pregnant with her rainbow baby, Lily. And then she realized at 37 weeks that she was having similar symptoms (like itchiness on bottom of feet and palms, right upper-quadrant pain, and dark urine) to when she was pregnant with Landon. She researched more and confirmed her suspicions of ICP. She followed her gut and urged the doctors to deliver her baby- she convinced them and now she has a healthy little miracle and an explanation to what happened to her perfect little boy…I-C-P.

After reading her story in December, a little flag went up as I had experienced faint itchiness in my feet and hands in the first trimester. Then it persisted intermittenly for weeks to come. So finally, I spoke up and asked my OBGYN to order a total-fractionated bile acid (TBA) blood test along with the liver function (LFT) and other tests she was ordering. She said she had never ordered the TBA test before but there was no harm in ordering it so she wrote me a script. The TBA took a couple weeks to get back but in the meantime my AST (53) and ALT (59) liver enzymes and Lipase (78) came back elevated so she sent me for a gallbladder/liver ultrasound.

The ultrasound came back normal so that removed a lot of fear of other disorders and I met with the doctor this past Monday and she wasn’t concerned as blood tests can be all over the place during pregnancy. We hadn’t gotten the TBA results yet but she wasn’t concerned so I just brushed it off. Then Tuesday, I finished with my clients and received a voicemail from her at 7:30pm (never a good sign) saying that I was right in my suspicions of the TBA and my levels were elevated (26.4). I called her cell phone back and she admitted that she didn’t have much experience with ICP in her 25+ years as an OBGYN. I texted her a practitioners pamphlet from ICPcare.org with a lot of the latest research and best practices. A lot of doctors don’t have experience with ICP as it is so rare (1:1,000). It is so important to educate yourself and others, and follow your gut!

I will be put on ursodiol, hopefully by the end of the day. And I will be meeting with a Maternal and Fetal Medicine doctor hopefully beginning next week to make a plan of action as consistent blood tests, NSTs and BPPs are recommended. Also, I will most like be birthing Little Bean between 36-37 weeks. This definitely has been one crazy and unexpected journey to parenthood and it isn’t over yet! We know our Lord is Sovereign- he “happened” to lead me to Amelia’s page two years ago knowing she would be my only resource of knowledge of ICP; there’s a reason and a bigger purpose. Allan prays and reads Psalm 91 over us. Our baby girl will be okay, she is (and I am) in His almighty hands.

Please join me in praying:

1. Little Bean will remain unaffected (she’s been reassuring me with lots of movement this week- thankfully).

2. She will initiate birth on her own so we won’t have to go through induction or medical intervention.

3. That someone’s life will be saved through this awareness.

4. Doctor’s wisdom for the best care for us girls.

Please make others aware, visit ICPcare.org- you never know how many lives you can save… And please if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask!

Silence.

His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderful understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible— with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, then praise Him— He is bringing you into the mainstream of His purposes. The actual evidence of the answer in time is simply a matter of God’s sovereignty. Time is nothing to God. -Oswald Chamber, My Utmost For His Highest

Allan and I have found ourselves in this place of silence. No further direction for treatments. No “ah ha” moment of clarity. In fact, our chiropractor/acupuncturist has offered to give me fertility acupuncture treatments for free (that’s a HUGE savings). However, for a few days after the offer, I noticed myself thinking a lot more about the failed treatments and getting impatient that we hadn’t gotten pregnant yet. This told me that I wasn’t ready yet to take him up on his generous offer. I’m not exactly sure when I’ll take him up on it, but I know I want to be in a place of peace (a place I thought I was in until it got a little rocked and my focus was shifted). As a result, I have been shifting my attention back to Him and what He is trying to teach me in this season.

A wonderful thing about God’s silence is that His stillness is contagious— it gets into you, causing you to become perfectly confident so that you can honestly say, “I know that God has heard me.” His silence is the very proof that He has. As long as you have the idea that God will always bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of His silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, then He will give you the first sign of His intimacy— silence. -Oswald Chamber, My Utmost For His Highest

CAN GOD TRUST YOU WITH HIS SILENCE? If you currently find yourself in a place of silence, take heart and cherish this most intimate time with Him.

Xoxo, Julianna

John 11:6-7

It’s not a toomah (anymore)!

In the words of the great Arnold Schwarzenegger:

Woohoo!! I got my results after being off treatment for 6 weeks and my prolactin levels are back to normal which means no more pituitary prolactinoma (tumor of the pituitary gland)! ((happy dance))

I’ve been meaning to write an update on here but it’s just weird how now our journey isn’t really at the forefront of my mind… maybe it’s self preservation or maybe it’s a change of thought. Not sure, but either way we’re really enjoying this part of our journey! I haven’t caved in [yet] to tracking my cycle or pregnancy-symptom-hunting! In fact, the hardest part to adjusting to life after fertility treatments is the change in my body! That’s been most frustrating for me. I’ve always been active so not being able to workout while pumping my body full of hormones for THREE months resulted in me feeling like this hormone-filled-guy (minus the muscles!):

So it’s been a struggle [literally] to get my pants to fit but slowly I feel my body coming back! Since I’ve hit the 30-year mark, it takes a bit more work to get my muscle memory to remember!

Ha ha but, seriously, I just want to thank you all for your continued prayers- we are at peace knowing that God’s ways are higher and His plans are way better!

To prove this, watch this video and make sure you grab a large box of tissues!:

Please keep in touch and keep me updated… we’ll be around and we’ll post as needed (or wanted!). 😉

The Break

((Exhale)) Can I please tell you how nice it is to not be tracking my cycle everyday, or what I’m eating (or not eating), or how much weight I’m lifting, or if the product I’m about to use is pregnancy safe, or not having to time sex to an exact science?! …Cause it is REALLY nice!! Our vacation was so amazing and so very needed! We went to St. Augustine, North Carolina, and Savannah- we hiked, climbed, mountain-biked, went to a winery, took a horse & carriage tour, watched a movie every night, and ate a WHOLE lot! Two weeks with no phone reception and no internet! We spent a few days with friends and family and the rest was spent with just the two of us! We enjoyed that time so much and now that we’re back we are really missing that alone time together. Our 7th anniversary was the day after we got back from vacation so we had some fun on our own terf!:    It’s been really nice to just take a step back from it all and gain a new perspective. Our journey through infertility began in a stressful circumstance. It was a time that we weren’t planning on “trying” yet but was told by multiple doctors that if we ever wanted kids that we would have to start trying right away. So from the beginning there was stress and every month seemed like we were being handed an infertility sentence. But now, I’m journeying through relieving myself of the expectations and stressors. Of course it would have been very cool to say that we got pregnant the first month of being stress-free but my body is telling me a different story and that’s okay. I have no idea what lies ahead or when my next visit with the RE will be (or if there will be one), but I do know that we are supposed to be here, in this place, right now.

DCIM100GOPRO

DCIM100GOPRO

DCIM100GOPRO

DCIM100GOPRO

DCIM100GOPRO

Yes, that’s a ladybug!!

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:3-5

Hurt But Not Hopeless…

 Well, we went out swinging in Round 3 but, like Pacquiao, we had a devastating defeat (and unfortunately we didn’t walk away with millions of dollars at the end of the fight). So as our last (and final-for-now) month of IUI treatments ends with yet ANOTHER negative, we are bummed, frustrated, and disappointed. …And it stings even stronger and deeper with Mother’s Day just a few days away- another Mother’s Day with an empty womb and empty arms. A friend sent me this post from blogger Amy Young titled “An open letter to pastors {A non-mom speaks about Mother’s Day}”. This post really resonated with me and I hope it does with you as well- regardless if you’re a mom or not you can gain some insight.

Well, we had our minds made up before even meeting with our doctor today. We decided to take a break from treatments for a while- our doctor agreed that it’s a good idea. My body (which is not used to medicines) has been on countless medications and hormones since October. So I’m stopping my pituitary tumor treatment since my numbers are good now (I’ll follow up with more blood work in 6 weeks to make sure it hasn’t returned). And I’m detoxing my body of all the added stress as well. We are really looking forward to our upcoming vacation to North Carolina, St. Augustine, and Savannah. And the bright side is that I will be able to hike, bike, and climb without restrictions. I am also looking forward to working out together again since I haven’t been allowed to work out for 3 months! And we’re looking forward to stress-free time together. I don’t plan on tracking my cycles, filling in any charts, or lying down with my hips and legs in the air.

Let me be clear: We’re definitely not giving up. We are very hopeful. We have peace knowing that we were supposed to go through these IUIs. We don’t have any regrets… we don’t know “why” now since it appears that we lost more than we gained but our Father sees the bigger picture. So we move forward with the same faith, knowing that one day I too will be celebrating Mother’s Day.

Psalms 37:23 >> The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.

Provers 16:9 >> The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Isaiah 41:10 >> Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you. I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

IUI(s) #3

I told you we would go out swinging in Round 3… so we decided to do injectibles this round!! From CD3-7 I gave myself a Gonal-F 75iu injection at night. 

My body responded fast and by CD8 I gave myself the Ovidrel trigger shot. The next day we went in for IUI #3, Part 1:

It went very well! Our doctor was extremely impressed with our numbers and this time the follicles (yes, plural, there were two! Perhaps twins?!) hadn’t yet ruptured… finally we were able to get an insemination in before the rupture! He did an ultrasound after the insemination (this triggered my round ligament pain again but this time it only lasted a day!) so we were able to see that the “sample” was in the perfect position and at 95% motility, he is optimistic! The next day we went in for IUI #3 part 2…

A new doctor in the practice performed the IUI she was very positive and is herself pregnant… hopefully her condition is contagious! 😉 We were a little nervous because our “sample” was over an hour old when we finally got in for the insemination and they didn’t do an ultrasound before or after so I’m not sure what’s really going on in there. But as the doctor inserted the catheter, she said “this is the last time you’ll need to do this!” Allan and I really appreciated the positivity. However, we were still nervous afterwards and then I came across this verse,

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” And Paul responded to that with, “So now I am glad to boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

Things didn’t go exactly as I had planned and I would’ve been less anxious had we done an ultrasound (for all I know, the follicles may not have even burst yet). I guess this is a test of my faith- having peace and believing without seeing- literally, blind faith. So this verse is a reminder that His grace is ALL I need. So I will take advice from Paul and boast that no matter what odds were for us or against us, our God’s power works best in weakness. Perhaps you’re going through a situation that seems to be filled with a lot of “weaknesses”, will you join me in trusting [no matter the immediate results] that His best work is done in our weakness?

….let the two week wait begin!! Your prayers are much appreciated!

You are not alone!

Allan and I suffered in silence for 3.5 years before realizing that we had nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of! We eventually decided not to be silenced by the stigma of infertility anymore so we created our vlog in October 2014 as a way to break our silence. We are so grateful that we took that step; now individuals across the world- from Taiwan to Zimbabwe, from India to the Philippines- have come to know that they too are not alone. We want to be a beacon of hope for you throughout your unique journey. We’ve heard the insensitive comments from others, we’ve sat through countless consultations, we’ve spent a lot of time and money trying to have a better success rate with each passing month, we’ve been through every test imaginable, we’ve told our places of employment about our struggle (check that out here), we’ve asked many questions, and shed many tears. And we are here for you.

While we’ve tried the “natural” way, the “IUI” way, and the “oh we’re really not trying but still trying” way; there are many other “ways” of achieving the family you so desire such as adoption, embryo adoption, surrogacy, IVF, donor sperm, and more. To find out more information about your different options, visit resolve.org. And again, we are here for you; you are not alone.

What is infertility?:

Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age. According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, you should seek the care of a specialist if you are unable to achieve pregnancy after 12 months of unprotected intercourse and the women is under the age of 35, six months if the women is more than 35 years of age. You should also seek the care of a specialist if you have had more than one miscarriage.   http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/

What is National Infertility Awareness Week?

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

Feel free to share our vlog on your social media pages, you never know who the “1 in 8” is that’s surrounding you in silence.

This is 30.

On April 4th I ended the third decade of my life and journeyed into the fourth decade. 🙈 Yeah I turned the big 3-0. It is with excitement and reluctance that I accept the fact that I am 30. I, of course, had different expectations and milestones for thirty… By now I “should” have 2 kids and very little sleep- instead, we have 2 houses, 2 SUVs, three empty bedrooms, a very quiet non-child-proof house, 2 amazing careers we’ve always wanted, lots of date nights, many memories of traveling all over the world,  and the ability to do what we want when we want. I love my life and I know I’m EXTREMELY blessed and so grateful for that.

There’s a season for everything. Our results of IUI #2 came back this week, and it looks like we’re still in the season of “just the two of us (plus our min pin Diesel!)”. The negative pregnancy tests and blood work were still hard to accept but a lot more bearable than last month. We were discussing if we would do a third round of IUI. Even though these past two months have been rough, I had three months already set in my mind so I feel like I still have fight left in me! I don’t want to get taken out of the fight early- I’m ready for a Round 3 Knockout! (Cue Rocky music) So we’ve decided to give it one more month.

And since I’m not pregnant right now, we went up to Tampa to visit my sister and brother-in-law for the weekend. We went to Adventure Island and I was able to ride the crazy slides- we had a great time with the family! 

… So IUI #3, get ready here we come! 👊

 

IUI #2 (Past due!)

  

Sorry it took me so long to write this! But you’ll be happy to know: I gave myself the Ovidrel injection like a big girl! I waited till Allan got home so I could show him how brave I am…well it backfired a bit! I was napping until he got home so I woke up and hurried to give it to myself so I was still a little dazed. I prepared the injection site, administered the shot then I started feeling pretty light-headed so I had to lay down for a few minutes- small price to pay for trying to show off to the hubby… He was impressed! LOL

I went for another ultrasound last Tuesday (CD 10) and I had two follicles measuring: 22mm and 15mm. My blood work came back and Estradiol was 252, Progesterone was .5 so I gave myself the shot that night and went in for the IUI on Thursday (CD 12). So I laid down on the table in the stirrups as they prepped everything. Allan stood by my side and held my hand. HOWEVER, as they were beginning the procedure, Allan inquisitively asks, “Can I watch?” I was SHOCKED and couldn’t stop laughing!! This is the same guy that says he doesn’t think he could “be down there” when I give birth for fear of being traumatized. Yet there he was watching the whole process as she gave him a play by play of what she was doing! And as it turns out yet again, my body had already released the follicle(s) so we only had to do one IUI and have “relations” (more fun, less money!). This time the IUI was a little crampy for about 30 seconds then afterwards I was fine!

It’s been a week and I have felt fine (just tired some). My pain from the pulled “O-ligament” has subsided- woohoo! I haven’t been obsessing over any pregnancy symptoms or feelings- in fact I find myself not even thinking much about it at all. My attitude has been more of “if it happens, it happens”. And I think my body is adjusting better to the hormones this month- praise God!

So we still have another week to wait before testing and I hope it goes by as fast as this past week because I am excited to find out the results. And NO I will not be testing early- I have learned my lesson! I even cleared my house of pregnancy tests for now! Your prayers are much appreciated!

If you like this post, feel free to share it on your social media and with friends- you never know who is suffering in silence.