It’s….
For those of you reading this who are in the midst of your infertility journey, my prayer is that this will give you hope. I want to encourage you to believe that if it happened for us, it will happen for you. Others’ journeys are sometimes longer or windier than others.
We’re praying for you. We love you!
For 4.5 years I have fantasized about being pregnant; the glow, the laughter, the sheer joy, constant celebration, cute preggo outfits, the weekly bump pictures (yeah, I’ve only taken 4 belly pics in 3 months)… Holy moly, the past 12 weeks have been a slap of reality for me! Don’t get me wrong, I am so ecstatic and full of joy and so grateful for this answered prayer and I wouldn’t change it for anything. With that said, it has not been glamorous for me- pregnancy can be rough (for some)! Ha ha I am not complaining, I’m just being real. From weeks 5 til a few days ago I lost 16 pounds, spent my days on the couch, rarely went outside, used all my vacation and sick days, barely ate, had constant nausea- “morning” sickness is a LIE!, been waking up every hour and a half to eat some apples and almond butter, one day I love eggs the next I curse their existence! But ALL this will be worth it in the end!
…Especially when at our 7 week appointment we heard Little Bean’s heartbeat for the first time! Tears on tears! And we got to see the brain cavity and little body via ultrasound. Those moments make the others bearable. I was released from our reproductive endocrinologist at 7 weeks and was told to monitor a subchorionic hematoma and continue taking the progesterone suppositories and no working out for the first trimester (not like I had the energy or stomach for it anyway!). At 10 weeks we met my new OBGYN and heard Little Bean’s strong heartbeat again! I have been progressively feeling better- a little more energy, bigger appetite, more sleep – Praise the Lord!
And then there was yesterday… we had an ultrasound appointment and my heart was completely taken. Little Bean isn’t so “little” anymore- LB was moving all around and looked like perfection! Allan and I freaked out when we saw LB waving arms and kicking, “It’s moving!!” we both yelled. It was so crazy, we laughed and I cried… Every time I see Little Bean, I become more in awe of our Creator. This little life is moving and growing inside me and I don’t even feel the movement yet (definitely feel the symptoms though! lol). Oh AND we will know the gender in less than two weeks thanks to blood work so..stay tuned! And let me know your guess…pink or blue?!
Here’s Little Bean’s growth so far:
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:13-14
Thank you for your continued support and prayers. You all are amazing; the texts, calls, gifts, letters, encouragements have been so needed. We love you!
I can hardly believe that I am writing this post! After a four and a half year journey, we are here now. WE HAVE JOURNEYED THROUGH FAITH TO FERTILITY…When we least expected it. The Lord’s timing is truly everything. There were no vitamins, treatments, tricks, or tracking involved. In fact, I was having a weird sinus/coughing/sneezing thing going on – I didn’t feel sick but my body was acting like it. So I wanted to take a Mucinex but something kept nagging me to take a pregnancy test before taking the Mucinex. I was annoyed but took the test anyway and awaited for the “NO-” so I could pop my pill. I set my timer to 3 minutes and when I looked down I read, “YES+”!!! All I could say on repeat was “What the”. With my hands shaking, I grasped the test tightly and rushed into our bedroom just as Allan was getting out of bed. I shoved the test in his face and there was total disbelief for both of us! We didn’t want to get our hopes up (in light of our false positive in February) but I reassured him I wasn’t taking anything that would cause a false positive… I wasn’t even taking a prenatal! So I grabbed another test (a different test) and took that one – within seconds two lines popped up and I ran to him again. We were in total (and still are) shock. I called my doctor immediately and went for stat blood work; at 3weeks, 4days my hcg was 175, two days later it had more than doubled. Then, last Tuesday, December 1st, we went for our first ultrasound at 5 weeks, 2 days and there we saw this perfect little bean!:
“For this child we have prayed…” 1 Samuel 1:27
We go back in a week for another ultrasound! Your continued prayers are appreciated. We are clinging to God’s promises and praying for an enjoyable pregnancy. Thank you for your support and encouragement on this journey – this is only the beginning! …Stay tuned for more updates!
Side note: If you’re trying to get pregnant or are pregnant, I highly recommend you read “Supernatural Childbirth” by Jackie Mize. I was given this book by a friend and have been reading it on repeat for several years (it’s a really short book). It strengthens my faith every time I read it and I know it will strengthen yours too!
I think back on the pain we endured in March with our false-positive pregnancy test and I was in such a survival mode at the time that I didn’t give our pain justice… I had to grieve fast then get ready for the next round of treatments that same week. I mean we flipping did a four-hour pregnancy photoshoot so we could have an announcement picture to share (thankfully that was free- thanks Ken!), we held my womb with expectation only to find later it was empty all along, my sister-in-law bought us red baby converse, Allan wrote me the sweetest card about me being a hot preggo, we dreamed, we cried, we planned… then BOOM “NOT PREGNANT”- that hurt like HELL. And I feel deeply for my TTC sisters who have been through worse hurts. We went to a Hillsong United concert a few weeks ago and were introduced to this song (cue major ugly cry):
These lyrics penetrated the most:
Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope againEven when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing Your praise…And I will sing till the miracle comes…
Despite thoroughly enjoying our “only the two of us” time; that pain is still real. And though time in between, the memory still brings aches and tears. So I hope you can find some comfort through your pain in this song as well.
As a side note, when Allan was at the eye doctor (go figure!), the doctor told him about a friend of his that was trying to conceive (mind you Allan didn’t mention anything about us trying) and said that they did the “pineapple diet” and it worked for them the first month after like 7 years of trying everything else. So Allan was really excited about it- however, my throat gets burned when I eat pineapple so perhaps bromelain will do the trick- worth a shot; can’t say no to Allan! 💗 Have you ever heard of the pineapple diet? If so, what have you heard? What days? How much? …since I haven’t been tracking my cycle this will be interesting! I’ll keep you posted…
His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderful understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible— with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, then praise Him— He is bringing you into the mainstream of His purposes. The actual evidence of the answer in time is simply a matter of God’s sovereignty. Time is nothing to God. -Oswald Chamber, My Utmost For His Highest
Allan and I have found ourselves in this place of silence. No further direction for treatments. No “ah ha” moment of clarity. In fact, our chiropractor/acupuncturist has offered to give me fertility acupuncture treatments for free (that’s a HUGE savings). However, for a few days after the offer, I noticed myself thinking a lot more about the failed treatments and getting impatient that we hadn’t gotten pregnant yet. This told me that I wasn’t ready yet to take him up on his generous offer. I’m not exactly sure when I’ll take him up on it, but I know I want to be in a place of peace (a place I thought I was in until it got a little rocked and my focus was shifted). As a result, I have been shifting my attention back to Him and what He is trying to teach me in this season.
A wonderful thing about God’s silence is that His stillness is contagious— it gets into you, causing you to become perfectly confident so that you can honestly say, “I know that God has heard me.” His silence is the very proof that He has. As long as you have the idea that God will always bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of His silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, then He will give you the first sign of His intimacy— silence. -Oswald Chamber, My Utmost For His Highest
CAN GOD TRUST YOU WITH HIS SILENCE? If you currently find yourself in a place of silence, take heart and cherish this most intimate time with Him.
Xoxo, Julianna
John 11:6-7
In the words of the great Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Woohoo!! I got my results after being off treatment for 6 weeks and my prolactin levels are back to normal which means no more pituitary prolactinoma (tumor of the pituitary gland)! ((happy dance))
I’ve been meaning to write an update on here but it’s just weird how now our journey isn’t really at the forefront of my mind… maybe it’s self preservation or maybe it’s a change of thought. Not sure, but either way we’re really enjoying this part of our journey! I haven’t caved in [yet] to tracking my cycle or pregnancy-symptom-hunting! In fact, the hardest part to adjusting to life after fertility treatments is the change in my body! That’s been most frustrating for me. I’ve always been active so not being able to workout while pumping my body full of hormones for THREE months resulted in me feeling like this hormone-filled-guy (minus the muscles!):
So it’s been a struggle [literally] to get my pants to fit but slowly I feel my body coming back! Since I’ve hit the 30-year mark, it takes a bit more work to get my muscle memory to remember!
Ha ha but, seriously, I just want to thank you all for your continued prayers- we are at peace knowing that God’s ways are higher and His plans are way better!
To prove this, watch this video and make sure you grab a large box of tissues!:
Please keep in touch and keep me updated… we’ll be around and we’ll post as needed (or wanted!). 😉
((Exhale)) Can I please tell you how nice it is to not be tracking my cycle everyday, or what I’m eating (or not eating), or how much weight I’m lifting, or if the product I’m about to use is pregnancy safe, or not having to time sex to an exact science?! …Cause it is REALLY nice!! Our vacation was so amazing and so very needed! We went to St. Augustine, North Carolina, and Savannah- we hiked, climbed, mountain-biked, went to a winery, took a horse & carriage tour, watched a movie every night, and ate a WHOLE lot! Two weeks with no phone reception and no internet! We spent a few days with friends and family and the rest was spent with just the two of us! We enjoyed that time so much and now that we’re back we are really missing that alone time together. Our 7th anniversary was the day after we got back from vacation so we had some fun on our own terf!: It’s been really nice to just take a step back from it all and gain a new perspective. Our journey through infertility began in a stressful circumstance. It was a time that we weren’t planning on “trying” yet but was told by multiple doctors that if we ever wanted kids that we would have to start trying right away. So from the beginning there was stress and every month seemed like we were being handed an infertility sentence. But now, I’m journeying through relieving myself of the expectations and stressors. Of course it would have been very cool to say that we got pregnant the first month of being stress-free but my body is telling me a different story and that’s okay. I have no idea what lies ahead or when my next visit with the RE will be (or if there will be one), but I do know that we are supposed to be here, in this place, right now.
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:3-5
Well, we went out swinging in Round 3 but, like Pacquiao, we had a devastating defeat (and unfortunately we didn’t walk away with millions of dollars at the end of the fight). So as our last (and final-for-now) month of IUI treatments ends with yet ANOTHER negative, we are bummed, frustrated, and disappointed. …And it stings even stronger and deeper with Mother’s Day just a few days away- another Mother’s Day with an empty womb and empty arms. A friend sent me this post from blogger Amy Young titled “An open letter to pastors {A non-mom speaks about Mother’s Day}”. This post really resonated with me and I hope it does with you as well- regardless if you’re a mom or not you can gain some insight.
Well, we had our minds made up before even meeting with our doctor today. We decided to take a break from treatments for a while- our doctor agreed that it’s a good idea. My body (which is not used to medicines) has been on countless medications and hormones since October. So I’m stopping my pituitary tumor treatment since my numbers are good now (I’ll follow up with more blood work in 6 weeks to make sure it hasn’t returned). And I’m detoxing my body of all the added stress as well. We are really looking forward to our upcoming vacation to North Carolina, St. Augustine, and Savannah. And the bright side is that I will be able to hike, bike, and climb without restrictions. I am also looking forward to working out together again since I haven’t been allowed to work out for 3 months! And we’re looking forward to stress-free time together. I don’t plan on tracking my cycles, filling in any charts, or lying down with my hips and legs in the air.
Let me be clear: We’re definitely not giving up. We are very hopeful. We have peace knowing that we were supposed to go through these IUIs. We don’t have any regrets… we don’t know “why” now since it appears that we lost more than we gained but our Father sees the bigger picture. So we move forward with the same faith, knowing that one day I too will be celebrating Mother’s Day.
Psalms 37:23 >> The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.
Provers 16:9 >> The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.
Isaiah 41:10 >> Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you. I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I told you we would go out swinging in Round 3… so we decided to do injectibles this round!! From CD3-7 I gave myself a Gonal-F 75iu injection at night. 
My body responded fast and by CD8 I gave myself the Ovidrel trigger shot. The next day we went in for IUI #3, Part 1:
It went very well! Our doctor was extremely impressed with our numbers and this time the follicles (yes, plural, there were two! Perhaps twins?!) hadn’t yet ruptured… finally we were able to get an insemination in before the rupture! He did an ultrasound after the insemination (this triggered my round ligament pain again but this time it only lasted a day!) so we were able to see that the “sample” was in the perfect position and at 95% motility, he is optimistic! The next day we went in for IUI #3 part 2…
A new doctor in the practice performed the IUI she was very positive and is herself pregnant… hopefully her condition is contagious! 😉 We were a little nervous because our “sample” was over an hour old when we finally got in for the insemination and they didn’t do an ultrasound before or after so I’m not sure what’s really going on in there. But as the doctor inserted the catheter, she said “this is the last time you’ll need to do this!” Allan and I really appreciated the positivity. However, we were still nervous afterwards and then I came across this verse,
“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” And Paul responded to that with, “So now I am glad to boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
Things didn’t go exactly as I had planned and I would’ve been less anxious had we done an ultrasound (for all I know, the follicles may not have even burst yet). I guess this is a test of my faith- having peace and believing without seeing- literally, blind faith. So this verse is a reminder that His grace is ALL I need. So I will take advice from Paul and boast that no matter what odds were for us or against us, our God’s power works best in weakness. Perhaps you’re going through a situation that seems to be filled with a lot of “weaknesses”, will you join me in trusting [no matter the immediate results] that His best work is done in our weakness?
….let the two week wait begin!! Your prayers are much appreciated!
Allan and I suffered in silence for 3.5 years before realizing that we had nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of! We eventually decided not to be silenced by the stigma of infertility anymore so we created our vlog in October 2014 as a way to break our silence. We are so grateful that we took that step; now individuals across the world- from Taiwan to Zimbabwe, from India to the Philippines- have come to know that they too are not alone. We want to be a beacon of hope for you throughout your unique journey. We’ve heard the insensitive comments from others, we’ve sat through countless consultations, we’ve spent a lot of time and money trying to have a better success rate with each passing month, we’ve been through every test imaginable, we’ve told our places of employment about our struggle (check that out here), we’ve asked many questions, and shed many tears. And we are here for you.
While we’ve tried the “natural” way, the “IUI” way, and the “oh we’re really not trying but still trying” way; there are many other “ways” of achieving the family you so desire such as adoption, embryo adoption, surrogacy, IVF, donor sperm, and more. To find out more information about your different options, visit resolve.org. And again, we are here for you; you are not alone.
What is infertility?:
Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age. According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, you should seek the care of a specialist if you are unable to achieve pregnancy after 12 months of unprotected intercourse and the women is under the age of 35, six months if the women is more than 35 years of age. You should also seek the care of a specialist if you have had more than one miscarriage. http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/
What is National Infertility Awareness Week?
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html
Feel free to share our vlog on your social media pages, you never know who the “1 in 8” is that’s surrounding you in silence.
Confessions of the Reproductively Challenged 