A Note of Apology

So we created this vlog as a community for those of us battling infertility so that we don’t have to suffer in silence. However, I have done just that this past month. And for that I apologize. I have been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster to say the least; I am tearful at the drop of a hat. A kind cashier at CVS wished me luck as I bought some pregnancy tests and I had to hold back the tears till I got to my car. I find myself frequently fighting back tears. It’s like I’m on constant edge and things are getting to me that don’t normally get to me… I am typically the one that is always happy but lately I find myself annoyed and frustrated. (My poor husband!)

We have decided that if we make it to next month without a positive pregnancy test and my body is cooperating, we will start IUIs. This decision left me fearful and even more emotional! All the “what if”s came flooding in: what if this doesn’t work? what if we spend thousands of dollars and get nothing but disappointment and heartache? how would we deal with that? would we spend tens of thousands more trying IVF?

So I decided to go on a beach date with my Father. It was rainy, windy, and about 65 degrees outside…less than favorable conditions for a beach date! However, when I arrived, the wind slowed down and the rain subsided long enough for me to have a conversation with God about my fears. Before heading to the beach, I heard the song “You Make Me Brave” by Bethel Music:

While I was talking with God and watching the waves come and go from the shore, He whispered to me “Be brave”. I have to leave the safety of the shore to the uncertainty of the waves. As a friend of mine told me, “You can’t be brave unless you take risks.” And IUI is a risk worth taking!

Please keep the prayers coming!

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10 thoughts on “A Note of Apology

  1. Hey Juli and Allen! I can completely relate to your little hump in the road. My husband and I had been trying for 6 years and after so many doctors, medications, injections, “natural medicines,” and 2 failed IUI’s we decided not to necessarily give up but accept the possibility of us not have children or possibly think about IVF..which was very difficult because my emotions had been on a crazy roller coaster for the past 6 years. I took my anger, frustration, and impatience on other people and I hated that feeling.. I wanted to be happy and positive. God has a plan and he knows exactly what he is doing and when the time is right it will be the best surprise! After being told I was “infertile” and I could only get pregnant with help it seemed like an endless road of searching for solutions, finding good doctors, and getting ready to invest financially, emotionally, and physically. It was rough to say the least.. But without the assistance of medicine or anything we got a positive test which was a shock to say the least.. I literally could not believe it until I could see the baby on the ultrasound..I was in denial because how could I be pregnant?.. Doctors and tests told me it would be beyond difficult to conceive on our own..God proved them wrong and I believe the same will happen to you.. Don’t ever give up..enjoy the journey and experience because you learn a lot throughout the process of getting the IUI’s and other tests. Be strong, have a ton of faith, and know you have so many people supporting the both of you. Best of Luck! Xoxo

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    • Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story! That is so encouraging!! We celebrate with you on your miracle!! God has used and will continue to use your journey to encourage and inspire others. I really appreciate your honesty and encouragement – stories like that help make this whole process more believable! (“I believe Lord, help my unbelief.”) xoxo

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  2. Pingback: The Great Unknown | Confessions of the Reproductively Challenged

  3. After 8 miscarriages, and then three years of no pregnancies…….I was yet again, trumped by a failed adoption. I was hopeless. I kept giving my search for mothering a child into His hand only to pull it back into my own…..(I have a control problem, no patience, and I often get in my own way) Finally, after the last defeat….the failed adoption of a little baby boy……I at last sought solace. I gave my burden to God and begged him to just give me peace…..if I was not to be a Mom, than he would surely give me peace. I truly surrendered….He spoke one thing, “Be quiet, and still.” I knew not the repercussions, I merely trusted. I gave up the fear, because I couldn’t bare it one more moment.
    2 months later, my daughter was born. Through a miracle all of itself, a girl, a daughter I had always wanted…..I did not let fear triumph, I gave it over. And my daughter was born……one day I will share that on my blog but I find the descriptive words for such a day to be eluding. Now I want to offer you some hope. I am a mother now…to not one but two daughters both coming into this world under different circumstances, but miracles nonetheless. So I say to you this, if God spoke you listen. I also have no doubt your miracle is only around the bend…….the waiting is the hardest part. I will await the news with bated breath and upward prayers!

    Liked by 1 person

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